"The 'We' Trap"
(Handling the Relationship Transition)
So, somewhere between my birthday and Christmas, a friend of mine so pointedly commented that, I had in fact become a "we-er". At first, I thought "no way, that's not me because I always disliked the 'we' girls" But, once I started to think about it, and the turns of my conversations lately, I realized that I was in fact, a "we girl". And that got me thinking, how does one transition so quickly from an obvious view of self into a melded version of "as one". More importantly, how does one maintain a sense of self once the "we" pronoun becomes part of a daily vocabulary.
First off, how does this "we" thing happen???
Well, for some, from day one, it's forced. Instead of letting things take their natural progression, some individuals have been so indoctrinated through sappy songs, media and trite episodic television that the very thought of being independent and devoid of a partner frightens them. As a result, they're pushing that pronoun so hard that "just dating" is banned from their vocabulary. And for others, such as myself, you wake up one day and realize that your conversations have somehow turned into the cute things that "we" did over the weekend and how "we" would love to have person x visit "us".
Freakish right? But essentially, that's what happened overnight! But what does "we" really mean for the relationship? Well, in my opinion, "we" means thinking long term. Rather than the cute fleeting "right now" puppy loves of short dating stints, it means thinking in terms of "do I really see myself with person x for the rest of my life?" (None of thay...until someone better comes along stuff) "We" means that you're not holding out and that you're willing to take that plunge of true commitment. Definitely not an option for the commitment phobe.
But how do I balance the "we" in my life with the other aspects of my life?
This is so important, it can't be stressed enough. We've all read plenty of articles about handling a break up that highlight the fact that during your just finished relationship, you've probably managed to neglect quite a few friends, and maybe some family as well. Well, I believe that friendships shouldn't be neglected just because you've gotten yourself into another relationship. Including others in your life even when your "snoogums" has entered the picture will keep you from feeling like you have to choose between honey bunny over there and your friends who've known you forever.
Likewise, any rituals that you had pre-relationship shouldn't be neglected. If you always had a certain night where you and your best buds hung out or maybe you just took a "Me Day" every Tuesday, don't stop doing this. And along with that, if you don't, you'll turn off your friends who will see their friendship to you as a fall back for whenever you happen to be single. If you do, then you fall in danger of the "we trap".
The "we trap" is when you become so enveloped in your relationship (i.e. someone else's life) that should you break up, you don't even know who you are any more because you spent a great deal of time catering to others. This leads to you having to find yourself again after every break up and this isn't at all healthy for you. Just remember, it's great to connect, it's bad to neglect.
So by no means am I saying that you're a terrible person to relish in the "we" world. Obviously, I'm quite happy residing in that land myself. But at the same time, don't turn off everyone around you by pitying the single folk. You were once amongst them and being single isn't a bad thing. It's my belief that if you can handle being single and carefree, then you really are ready to be in a "we" type relationship.
If you can't handle the single life, even on nights when you can't find a soul to hang out with, then don't go slapping a "we" label on that so called relationship of yours. The reality is, we've all known a "we" couple that shouldn’t have been a "we". And then we vowed not to become that couple that everyone despised. My advice, maintain a sense of self and those pre-relationship friendships...and the "we" will work itself out!
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