"The Serial Dater"
(Spooky Bad Date Patterns)
Considering that we just finished the month of spooks, frights and plain creepy people getting a pass at being creepy, now is the time to address the inner spook lurking about in the dating world. It's called the serial dater, and like it or not, we're all prone to it in one form or another. Some of us are good serial daters, always finding the yin to our yang. And there are the less fortunate of us who manage to attract negative partners, thus creating the serial pattern. Don't think it's you??!! Just read on and see if any of these unisex spooky characters pop up in your relationships.
1. The Hoodrat:
I have a great friend (who shall remain nameless unless I want to get an angry email just moments after posting this) who is definitely by all means a catch. He's attractive, hails from a great background, educated, has independent means and in general is just an overall nice man. But for some reason ever since we were in college this nice man always manages to find a hoodrat. Someone who might have aspirations of grandeur in the future, but is mentally immature right now.
The Problem: Hoodrats are next to impossible to shake. Once they imbed themselves in your lives they have a habit of using mental games (i.e. not returning your call, playing the emotional card to always leave you feeling guilty and unsure of your status with them) to weigh the relationship in their favor. Even if you break up with one, the emotional drama trail they've left is like a calling card for a new hoodrat to pick up where they left off.
Note: And don't mistake,a hoodrat can be male or female - as long as they have a penchant for immaturity and leave you on the emotional relationship bubble.
2. The Dramatic:
Not everything can be on the verge of an emotional meltdown, but these people seem to make it look that way. When they're around, you're constantly putting out their four alarm fires.
The Problem: This is draining, and besides...where's the reciprocity in that? Dramatics have a tendency to be selfish, blowing their own issues out of proportion and neglecting to notice that you're even in the room or might have an issue of your own. These types should go into PR because they're the divas of spin.
3. The Social Climber:
Don't get me wrong, it's great to hobnob with the best of them, but people who see stars all the time also have a tendency to be vapid among other things.
The Problem: Where's the substance in this?? You can't center your life around climbing the social ladder, that should be an additive not a career goal. While they're on the climb to the top, where's the time for you? And chances are that Mr./Ms. Social is only hanging around you for whatever clout you can offer them. As soon as someone with more star power comes along, you'll be left in their wake.
4. The Abuser:
Whether it's substance or you, this is a no brainer - run don't walk for the nearest exit stage left.
The Problem: Don't even try to rationalize their behavior because this type of person is a self esteem vacuum. Whether you're trying to help them out of their problems or covering up their abusive behavior, the outcome will be the same — help comes to those who help themselves. Helping people overcome serious psychological or substance abuse issues that may have manifested since childhood is a mega task, even for professionals. So unless you "knew them when", steer clear of this because it's more likely that you will join them than the other way around (i.e. a famous R&B singer who married a so-so singer with a less than squeaky clean substance record).
The Solution:
It's hard to retrain your dating eye to recognize when a serial dating spook is on the prowl. However, sometimes when starting over fresh, it's best to ask for assistance from friends. Anyone who pegged your past few significant others as the losers they really were should be consulted for help on fixing you on a date. Yes, it might sound lame but what's felt right to you hasn't been working and it's time to regroup.
In addition, make a list of deal breakers and qualities that you absolutely refuse to compromise. Obviously, the list will run long! However, after you create the list, go through and tick off roughly twenty items total from the deal breakers and the qualities. Any time a potential date commits a deal breaker from the core twenty, rather than waiting until two months later to say adios, end the date that night and let them know politely by the next day that you don't think things will work out. Sticking firm to these values will help you form a clear view of your version of Mr. or Ms. Right and get you on the path to leaving Mr./Ms. Spooky behind.
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